The First Time I Experienced DMT

When I first heard about DMT in 2013 I was a contractor in Kabul, Afghanistan working for a private government agency. There were just six of us, me and five other guys, who had been chosen to work on a defense contract together. Although we did not always find ourselves on the same forward-operating-base or compound, when we were together we shared most of our meals and on bar nights we usually linked up. I’ve often found myself being the only Black Queer Woman in a particular space, and yet I remember those years, being a contractor overseas, feeling particularly isolated. Yet, it was in this environment, where I felt the most unseen, that I heard about the thing that would change my life.

One evening I was following behind two of the guys from my team. We had just spotted a table in the Dining Facility – the base cafeteria. One of the guys mentioned DMT, and his excitement about it piqued my interest. 

“What is that?”

“The God Molecule or the Spirit Molecule, it’s a psychedelic.” he said.

That was all I needed to know.

My life was deeply impacted by my decision to do DMT. After that experience, my life completely changed. When I facilitate DMT experiences with people, I tell them: Understand that your life will change in ways you least expect it. Be open to seeing yourself as you really are and not how you wish to be seen. Be prepared to forever wake up from the life you think is your reality. If those things resonate then perhaps they are ready, but only they know that, not me. 

Psychedelics are a gift and my life is unmeasurably better because of the clarity that I’ve received inside the psychedelic experience. I know that it has the potential to be that for every human being on this earth.

Stage One of Smoking DMT

“You can ingest DMT in crystal form, smoking it in a pipe or bong, as well as vaporize it. Ingesting it this way produces a powerful but short-lasting hallucinogenic state, considered to be one of the most intense psychedelic experiences in existence.”

In the room alone, I sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on the vape pen as deeply as I could, breathing DMT into my lungs and held it there for as long as I could. My eyes squinted as iridescent patterns of bluish-green began to appear as a part of the faux-wooden floor. It looked like the shimmer that is a characteristic of certain stones like Tiger’s Eye and Labradorite. It was already intense. But my mindset going into this experience was complete trust and certainty. Before I put my lips to the pen, I knew that I was going to go all the way into this experience, holding nothing back. 

After the second pull, everything around me expanded further out and away from me and it felt like I was on the edge of something being revealed to me that had been there all along. The feeling of this expanded beyond what I was seeing and evolved into something I knew for certain. The room that I was in was no longer contained or restrained by physicality. What I mean by that is the walls were visibly there but it felt as if the walls weren’t there because they were no longer holding the space that I found myself in. I felt I was  sitting outside and in my room at the same exact moment. The room took on an ambiance that felt otherworldly and sacred. It became very clear to me that I was in the same room but the space had opened up and it felt absent of space and time. 

Everywhere I looked everything was perfect, because I could see everything as if I were the creator of it. The weight of life in this dimension was lifted away. I became light as a feather.  I was experiencing who I really am and seeing what was really visible, and always available to be seen by me if my physical senses were no longer an obstacle. What I was experiencing was a reality behind this reality and understanding simultaneously that no matter what the eyes see, the consciousness knows the Truth. Up until that moment I’d felt so disconnected from everything. So much so, that I’d often wondered if I was living in a dream. If I had been,  this was the moment that I was waking up. 

When we actually go to sleep and dream, we usually are unaware that we are dreaming when we are dreaming, but it is possible to know. Lucid Dreaming. We can be aware of our dreams. But no matter if it’s a lucid dream or not, when we wake up, we immediately know that we were dreaming despite how real the dream may have felt. This experience was not that at all.

I was completely conscious in a way that was beyond lucidity. I was completely me and knew that I was present. The extreme clarity I felt left no room for doubt or room for any other interpretation.

This is how I felt after only two pulls of the vape pen! I didn’t need another pull of the vape pen, or so I thought. But I knew that I had to do three pulls. I put the pen to my mouth, not remembering if I’d exhaled the vapor I’d been holding in my lungs. When my lips touched the pen, I breathed in the vapor as if it were the last breath I’d ever take. I held it in for as long as I could and I don’t remember ever exhaling. 

I set the pen down. That last breath had pushed me all the way to the other side of something I could only comprehend while on the other side of it. It was incredible to be in that space. Each breath I took thereafter felt like I was taking in air for the very first time. 

I recorded a video of my experience and at this point in the video I could see that I was taking huge lung-full breaths. My eyes were wide open as I stared around in amazement. I began to laugh. I was thrilled! The fear that had prevented me from having this experience up until that point became the silliest thing in the world.

“It’s so beautiful!” 

 “This is AWESOME!!” 

“This is where I’m supposed to be!!” 

I could barely get the words out, I was so elated.

I was experiencing pure bliss. There are no words to describe what I was seeing and feeling. When I watch myself on the video, it doesn’t seem to quite match up to how I remember the experience, not quite. And that’s because the video can’t possibly show what I was experiencing. I can see that every subsequent breath that I took seemed to almost be too much for me to handle, as if each breath was elevating me even more into this newfound reality where I found myself. 

I can’t emphasize enough just how amazing it felt to just breathe. The feeling of awareness and all-knowingness that came over me once I broke through was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced in this life. Everything made sense without me wondering or asking questions. My existence made sense, instantly. The Universe was revealed to me in a blink of an eye. In the video, after a few moments had gone by, I laid back onto the bed, my eyes closed. I began to moan and feelings of ecstasy rushed through my body. It felt like a purge or a release of energy.

With my eyes finally closed I shot off, like a rocket, to somewhere else. 

At this point, it felt as if my head turned toward the bedroom door. But that was not the case. My head didn’t move at all, instead, my consciousness seemed to shoot off in that direction, through the small hallway, past the kitchen, and deep into outer/inner space. That’s when the experience took a turn. The saying ‘ignorance is bliss” has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I became aware of so much that, if given the choice, I would choose to forget. I was catapulted into complete darkness and it wanted to consume me. I was terrified. What did I just do? There was no way to undo it. I’d just done something that I couldn’t go back and change and suddenly I felt that I wanted to. I became fearful. But this only lasted a short amount of time because I had the tools to free myself.

I was able to lift myself out of it by lifting my vibration. I kept repeating aloud “Thank you” over and over again. I did this because I was once told that gratefulness is a high vibrating thought, and if I ever felt like I was stuck in a cycle of negativity, if I could just begin to say the things I was grateful for, it would break me out of that cycle. So that’s exactly what I did. I had to let the fear wash over me by acknowledging it and walking toward it, which was the last thing that I wanted to do. But once I got through it, I clearly saw that the fear I had just felt was only a mirage, and that I was now on the other side of it. Once on the other side, I was exactly where I’d always wanted to be. That is when the Universe revealed itself to me.

The only way that I can describe it is to say that it was a kaleidoscope of some kind. I don’t know if it was enormous because I was so small or if it was so magnificent that it was Everything. It was so grand that nothing else existed. Wherever I focused my attention on this thing, I was pulled into it. It was like trying to make out something you’re seeing from a great distance, but when you focus on it, all of a sudden whatever was in the distance gets right up into your face, so close that you know it intimately, and become it. 

The kaleidoscope structure seemed to be a physical thing, although not made of atoms and matter, all the stuff that I was taught in chemistry class. And because I have no words for it, it’s indescribable. It looked as if it could be physically felt… even if touched from far away. I felt I was being shown something that I couldn’t comprehend if I tried to make logical sense of it, but I knew that this was the source of Everything. At no point in this experience did I feel I had control of anything, I was an observer or a visitor, just being shown everything. Then it got personal.

Stage Two of Smoking DMT

As I looked and was drawn into parts of the whole, or as I tapped into this source of truth, I saw myself. I saw all the parts of me, even the ones that I choose to keep hidden and locked away from even myself. I never looked at these parts of me because while they are part of what makes me who I am;  not all of it is what I would call good. I hated it. I didn’t want to see it, but I did not have the physical control or ability to not see it. In this space I was only able to observe, and to be shown what it was I needed to see. So I looked at it, in all its horrificness and I absorbed it until I accepted it and saw that it was a perfect part of the wholeness of me. It was this revelation of complete harmony, even now years later, that affects my outlook on life. I understood that there is no such thing as good or bad on a cosmic scale. Everything works in complete harmony always and forever. Only we as individuals can choose what is good or bad. It is duality, which is no different from up or down, but we give meaning to ‘good’ and ‘bad’ because we attach feelings to things. 

When I saw the parts of myself that I had been taught were ‘bad’, my impulse was to feel bad and to feel guilt and shame. But when I continued to look at them and really see these things about myself, for example, my attraction to women, I understood that I was seeing a part of myself that was no different from looking at an arm or leg. If I look at my leg and decide that it is short, and that long legs are better than short legs, then the way I feel when I view my leg won’t feel good. Maybe I’d avoid looking at my leg so as not to feel bad. Which is why I’d been avoiding seeing and accepting all the parts of myself. And because of that I never saw all of me to realize that I was perfect! The psychedelic experience gave me the opportunity to accept myself. Of course I had a choice to not accept myself, and that would have been like putting myself through hell. Quite literally. Which, by the way, is what a ‘bad trip’ is – the inability to accept what is True.

I saw the TRUTH that I did not want to look at. It seems like human nature allows us to willfully avoid seeing the Truth, allowing us to create illusions and realities that we can choose to hide inside. In a clever attempt to protect us, our ego convinces us that we are sage, by NOT trying to discover what is behind the veil or the illusion. We feel safe surrounded by knowledge that is given to us. We are afraid of death, the unknown, and whatever else is not spoon-fed to us. Yet, the other side of the veil is not the end, it is the next. DMT removes the veil of our five senses and the ego. To experience it fully, you must be willing to accept the unknown which is to experience our biggest fear, death. Something that all humans used to know and understand. Something that indigenous communities still practice and remember.

In my DMT experience, I saw how the abuses that I suffered as a child and teenager, had become woven into the very fabric of my being, making me exactly who I am. But how could I love myself completely if there were parts of me that I hated? I was shown my life experiences from the perspective of my higher self. Detached without emotional investment, societal beliefs, or self criticism.  I was disconnected from how I experienced those things in life but it was still very real, and I could feel/see the effect of the experiences and how they impacted my soul. I saw how those life experiences would continue to shape my decisions and thus my future experiences. I saw the hell and torment I would continue to feel in the form of depression, disassociation, and despair – if I chose to continue to cut myself off from the ‘bad’ parts of me.

 While in the DMT experience, I never felt that my life was threatened or in any danger, other than when I was faced with my fear and had to walk through it. But even that taught me that acceptance is the greatest tool that I have. As soon as I accepted the experience and chose to be grateful for it, the fear immediately went away. Fear was something that I’d brought into the experience with me because of all the things I’d ever been taught. It’s like the whole point of fear was to show me that I have a choice. I saw that my default way to live is based on fear. If I don’t know what it is, then I’m afraid of it. The most important key is to do it anyway, in spite of the fear. The truth is behind the lie. When I accepted the fear and walked through it, I could see the whole truth and nothing was scary anymore. 

Stage Three of Smoking DMT

The next thing that I saw was my wife and decisions I would have to make regarding our relationship. This was difficult for me to accept. It would take me a month after this experience to make the decision to end my marriage. What I saw was that she was not on the path that I needed to be on and it wasn’t as simple as getting her and I both on the same path. We were meant to experience separate things and not necessarily together. The reason for this had little to do with the way we co-existed.

We were good friends and got along really well. But leading up to being in a relationship with her, I had never taken the time to get to know myself. I have always jumped from one relationship to the next. I’ve always known that I am meant to accomplish greatness in my lifetime, but when I was in a relationship all I knew how to do was to give to my partner and not to myself. My needs were never my primary concern. I had tried to learn how to prioritize myself while in relationships over the years but I continued to struggle with it, to the point where I wasn’t really trying at all. I was stuck in a cycle and there was only one way to break free. Although I couldn’t admit it to myself, I’d given up and I was just going with the flow.

So when this premonition was shown to me inside the DMT experience, and all the paths that I could take were laid out in front of me, I saw that the quickest route to me getting what I wanted out of life would mean doing what felt like the impossible. I was appalled. I was NOT ready for that! That was not what I wanted. My wife was my safety net. We’d been together over seven years. And yet, at the age of 35 I still didn’t truly know myself or what I wanted out of life. I didn’t know my true purpose and I couldn’t honestly say that I even loved myself. Up until that point, I had been looking for all the ways to free myself and fix myself. I’d changed my diet, eliminated fluoride just in case it was calcifying my pineal gland (third eye). I was exercising, meditating, doing self-work, etc. 

In this experience I was shown everything that I needed to know about my path forward, and only one thing seemed to be required of me, but it was the one thing that I couldn’t accept. I chose to stay with my wife. Even while in this experience, I chose her over myself. Just like I always had. I said no to the Universe. I said no to myself. I said no to my purpose. I said no to the truth laid out in front of me. After this experience, I wanted things to go back to the way they were before. But in setting my intention before this experience, I’d asked to be shown what I needed to see. I couldn’t unsee it.

The experience was coming to an end. I could sense it before the kaleidoscope appeared. It began to push me out of the experience as if birthing me back into this reality. I vividly remember the color yellow as it was pulling back and gently pushing me through. It was so gentle. I also was aware that it would be impossible to remember this experience in its entirety. I’d just been tapped into The Source, I wanted to remember as much as I possibly could, and who better to ask than The Source. I began repeating over and over  ‘I want to remember’, I want to remember… Please let me remember’. And it slowed down! This Universal God-thing slowed down, letting me absorb from it what I could, and I could feel that it was more than I would have remembered had I not asked.  

Integrating My DMT Experience

Integrating all of my psychedelic experiences, including my experiences with DMT have been most important. Trying to fit the reality of these experiences into your pre-existing reality or what we call everyday life can be daunting. But, like with all life experiences, they will inevitably fit because they expand our consciousness. After these experiences we are different and we are changed. It’s the same for every single experience that we have, but some experiences create ripples and some create waves. Deciding to have a psychedelic experience one should understand that they are making a huge impact and that change is inevitable. I have found that taking the time I need to focus on self exploration is vital to psychedelic integration. Self exploration can take many forms. Micro-dosing, journaling, meditating, being in nature – all of these things can be instrumental because we are giving ourselves permission to consciously tap back the current on which all life flows. 

While psychedelics are one of the many different ways that we can explore consciousness, in my opinion, they are by far the quickest. The downside to that, is everyone is not ready to wake up to truth like a rocketship shooting off into space. For some people a slower process is preferred. There’s nothing wrong with either way. Like the famous saying goes, all rivers lead to the ocean. We all will get what we need in this lifetime and have the experiences we need to have. If you’ve read up until this point and you haven’t had an experience with DMT, you may be wondering how do you know when you’re ready? The answer is simple. Fear will no longer prevent you from seeking an experience. Fear will remain, that’s normal and healthy. But it won’t Stop you.

That’s where many of the people I’ve worked with have found themselves, stuck waiting for the fear to subside. It never will. It’s not meant to. You are meant to move past your fear.