What I Learned From Self-Administering Ayahuasca

There isn’t a manual or blueprint for exploring human consciousness. All we have are the experiences of others and self-guided intuition. Like my daddy always says, you live and you learn. 

I must acknowledge that this experience could have gone very differently, for myself or the other two individuals who took the medicine. But I wholeheartedly believe that the infinite intelligence that we are tapping into when we ingest psychedelics does not mean us harm. To go into an experience like this, completely vulnerable and powerless, without fully trusting the medicine or myself is the antithesis of what the experience is meant to be. 

Can I be completely honest? I think we’re all stupid and naive to take psychedelic for the first time because we don’t know what’s going to happen. There is nothing that prepares you for the experience. No matter how many times you do it, you enter the experience just as helpless and vulnerable as the time before. Making sure the physical space that we are in and the mental state that we are in before entering the altered state, are the only things that we have control over in order to minimize the possibility of a “bad trip”.

While the world around me seemed to be falling apart, I reached out to an Ayahuasca retreat center that I attended back in the winter of 2017. I was again feeling what many who are familiar with these medicines refer to as the call.  The call is in reference to the pull or draw that one feels when they hear or learn about the medicine that resonates with them.  The creator of The Ratchet Buddha Podkast defines it as “Divine Timing.” He uses a reference from the book titled The Alchemist in the following explanation “The Universe conspires to get you where you need to be, and where you are is right where you need to be.” There is a definitive point that we all reach, and it may have nothing to do with a psychedelic experience, where we are ready for change. Only you will know when you arrive at the point. Everything will align and the answer will present itself.

I reached out to the US-based retreat center because it had been a few years since my last experience and I was ready to try psychedelics again to see if I could go deeper than I had before. I had ample time on my hands and I no longer had the distractions and stress that come with normal everyday life. My mental state could not have been better for having an experience. 

When I reached out, I learned that due to the pandemic the center was not hosting retreats, instead they offered to send Ayahuasca to me so that I could self-administer it. This was not the first time that I’d received Ayahuasca in the mail to self-administer. To my knowledge, this is not a common practice for centers to ship Ayahuasca to participants, nor is it common to self-administer Ayahuasca. But this retreat center allowed for past-participants, who had already attended a ceremony in person, to order Ayahuasca as long as they adhered to a few guidelines. 

My experience with Ayahuasca up until this experience in 2020, had been relatively mild. Even though I expected and wanted the intense experience that I’d heard others talk about– visions that felt real and interdimensional travel, that had not ever been my experience. But I had received what is referred to as downloads (Downloads are profound messages, often in thought-form, but they can also be visual or auditory. This flood of messages seem to have no connection or trace to previously formed thoughts or beliefs, distinguishing them from normal thoughts). I had absolutely no reason to suspect that my experience this time would be any different from my three previous experiences with Ayahuasca. I honestly thought that perhaps I just wasn’t as sensitive to these hallucinogenic compounds as other people were. I was wrong. 

After placing the order I talked to one of my best friends, Michael, and shared my intention to self-administer Ayahuasca again. I talked about how it had been a couple of years and the time felt right for me to explore. Michael surprised me by asking if I could also get some for him. 

I met Michael in 2003 while we were both in the Army and we’d been friends ever since. Mike was the cool kid that was assigned to show me around the base. Although he was only a couple of years older than me, his confidence and California-swagger told me that I could trust him. We deployed to Iraq together, we did our first government contract together in Fallujah, Iraq and although we didn’t remain in constant contact over the years, when we would call each other after years had gone by, it felt as if we just picked up where we left off. 

I told him “Of course, I got you!” I contacted the retreat center and ordered another bottle of Ayahuasca and when it arrived, I sent it to him.

I gave him the briefest of instructions concerning taking the medicine. I had every intention to go more in detail if necessary and I let him know that I would answer whatever questions he had and that he should just text me whenever he had one. It was all so very casual. I also informed him prior to sending the medicine that he should do some in-depth research into Ayahuasca before even thinking about taking it. 

A day or so later, we had a brief chat and Michael mentioned that he and his girlfriend, Terri, would be taking the medicine together the upcoming weekend. This news set off some alarms for me. I reiterated how important it was for him to properly research Ayahuasca and to make sure that they would have a trip-sitter in place because I assumed that they would be taking it at the same time. Although I was also planning my ceremony, this news that they were also planning to do their ceremony at the same time gave me quite a bit of anxiety.

“Michael, one of you definitely needs to look after the other while on the medicine and for so many reasons…”, and I listed them.

“What if you’re both on the medicine and one of you starts to have a difficult trip?”

“What if one of you needs to go to the bathroom and is having a hard time navigating to get there?”

“What if, worst case scenario, Terri –who is allergic to everything, has an allergic reaction?”

He didn’t need more convincing, he understood and agreed that they needed to alternate taking the medicine. But this did little to quell my rising fear that he may not have researched what’s to come as thoroughly as I’d hoped. I couldn’t think of all the situations that they could possibly find themselves in and everytime something popped into my head I wanted to call him and warn him. But something told me to chill, and to focus on my own experience. 

Everything will be fine, I thought.

The next day and around the same time we both planned to take Ayahuasca. About half an hour before I take my first dose, my phone rings and it’s Michael. Instantly, I’m thinking something must have gone wrong, but he’s called to tell me that Terri took the medicine about an hour ago and that she’s not feeling anything. I found it interesting that he’d allowed her to take it first but it was too late for me to voice my concern. Instead I explained to him that usually another dose was given at ceremonies if a participant felt they needed it or wanted it. 

Once again, I admonished myself for not better preparing them for this experience. Worry and concern was creeping back in, and I tried to hold it at bay.

I really needed to focus on my journey.

I took the medicine about fifteen minutes later. It tasted just as awful as I remembered. I had already set my intentions and so I waited.

I had my headphones on, first listening to some Native American flute music, while my eyes were covered and I meditated. After an hour I took a second dose at around 7:45pm, switched the music over to the Icaro soundtrack and settled in. Icaro is a South American indigenous colloquialism for magic song. Most places that offer Ayahuasca ceremonies will play this kind of music. In cases where an indigenous shaman is present, they may choose to sing or chant as they are moved to do so.

After about twenty minutes I began to sense a download coming through the song. The song was telling me, without words, to focus on the sound of the songs. Although the words were in a different language and not familiar to me at all, the meaning of those words were somehow understood.  It told me to allow myself to trust it. It said that it wasn’t going to stay this easy and gentle, and things were going to get challenging, but it was loving and trust-worthy and if I just let the music guide me, then I would get through it and that I would be ok.

For the next hour I waited for the medicine to challenge me. After that download, I was hopeful that this time my journey would lead to a deeper, more transformative experience than the ones I’d had before. But three hours after taking the first dose, it appeared the journey was over and that the gentle message that I’d received earlier in the evening was all I was going to get. I was a little disappointed.

My wife was my sitter and although I’d asked to be alone in the bedroom she waited for me to call out to her if I needed her. Since it appeared the night was over, she came into the bedroom and we both prepared to go to sleep. I turned the lights off and climbed under the covers. It was in the moment that I settled in to go to sleep that I instantly became aware that the night was far from over. 

I received a download – Oh, you thought this was over? It’s just now beginning.

I called out to my wife and although my voice was measured, she was not alarmed. 

“Hey, wake up! The medicine just told me that it’s about to start. It’s about to happen now. Right now, and I don’t know what’s gonna happen. But I want you to know that I’m going to be ok. I don't want you to be stressed out. Don’t worry about me, okay? Whatever my response is to the medicine, just know that I’m fine.”

 I told her this as quickly and calmly as one might speak to someone whom they’ve just woken to tell that their lives are in danger and that they need to listen to the next words said very carefully. But she was surprisingly unfazed, and sleepily reassured me that she would be fine and that I didn’t need to worry about her. I almost panicked because it was clear to me that she had absolutely no idea what was about to go down. I could feel the energy, like the tension in the air before a lightning storm. I tried again to warn her and to assure her without scaring her, knowing that there was no way I could prepare her for what I knew that I was about to face.

Finally, I let go of the notion that I could prepare her for my journey. I lay my head back down against the pillow and waited.

 The Icaros! 

I sat up and quickly threw my headphones on and laid back down again.  

Ready. Set. Go…

I felt the medicine in my body. It was the first time, to my knowledge, I’ve ever been aware of a substance inside of my body other than the cold temperature of liquid from an IV entering my arm.  I felt it in my legs, slowly making its way upward and into my abdomen. This memory always reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from The Matrix, after Neo had taken the red pill and he touched the mirror and the effect started to take hold of his physical body. It felt strange and alien but also incredibly powerful. I had never felt anything that made me feel so powerless. I kept reminding myself to let the medicine do its thing and that I was safe. Within seconds the medicine took over me and I was taken away. 

I found myself in a space and time that felt ancient. It felt like I was in a ceremonial setting. I could feel these other powerful entities around me, but I could see them when I looked at them directly, but I definitely felt them. Although I understood that my body was not physically present, I could feel that these entities were doing some kind of work on me.. Initially I understood that there was no reason to be afraid. But I distinctly remember giving myself a reason to be scared and that’s when everything changed. The realization that changed everything was that I was alone and completely helpless and surrounded by powerful entities that had complete control. This perspective caused meto feel even more helpless, which spiraled into the worse fear and terror that I’ve ever felt in my entire life. The entities began to feel ominous and threatening. 

“What if … I’m not supposed to be here?”

“What if I’ve just given myself over to some mal intentioned force?”

And down, down, down it went. I was terrified.

It was then that I became aware of something, the distant and yet steady sound of the song, reminding me and encouraging me, like a small upright sailboat in the middle of a storm. It told me to not fight it, to let it wash over me and to accept it. That suggestion seemed absurd! Let the demons have me?!! No way!! But I instinctively knew that to fight this was pointless and would result in a continued downward spiral into the pits of hell – what I now understand to be a “bad trip”. So I did the unthinkable and I chose to accept the experience and like a wall of fog it washed over me and dissipated. Had I been in my body at that moment I would have been gulping air down, trying to catch my breath, but my body was not a part of this experience. After I was through that part of the experience, I lay waiting for what would follow, all the while feeling grateful.

In the next moment, I could see my friend Michael as if he were standing in front of me. He was pacing back and forth and the panic in his eyes was unmistakable. He didn’t know what to do. Something had gone terribly wrong. It was Terri. She was stuck in the terrifying grip of what appeared to be dark magic and she was frantic to escape it. She was fighting it, trying to claw her way out of the pit of hell, an experience I felt I[d only just made it to the other side of.

Although Michael was in the same room with her, for all she knew he could have been a million miles away. She was in a place where nothing could reach her to save her. 

“Baby, what do you want me to do, what do you need, should I take you to the hospital?” He begged and pleaded but she was completely oblivious to his presence.

It terrified me to see Michael this way. I could see him, like being a ghost in a room, but I could also feel the depth and timbre of the emotion that he displayed as if it were a high-pitched scream. It reverberated through my entire being. It became all I knew. I became his emotions. It was absolutely horrific to be connected with him at that moment. But I knew that if I had to choose to experience this instead of him, then I would do it a thousand times over. 

Bring it, I cringed and then braced myself.

Suddenly I felt myself apologizing profusely to Michael. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t know and that I couldn’t have known that this would be their experience. But his anger and resentment at me for not knowing that I was giving them this dark and powerful substance that ultimately destroyed their relationship was like an impenetrable brick wall. What I’d done was unforgivable and our friendship was in ruins. This realization broke me. This was one of my best friends and while I thought that I was being a good friend by providing the medicine, my naivity  had resulted in pain and loss for him, and now for me.

I found myself spiraling again, only this time it was responsibility, shame and regret that was pulling me down. It was just as terrible. Then the gentle song reminder came, it reminded me to let go and encouraged me to absolve myself of this self-imposed guilt and shame. The message was wordless but I understood. I had to let the experience of other people be their experience, separate from me, and it was not my place to take responsibility for it – whether the outcome be good or bad. This was hard for me to accept, after all, had I not given them the medicine, they would not be experiencing this at all if it were not for me. Still, the message remained, clear and unwavering. I had to let their experience be their experience. It became clear that the struggle was with myself and my resistance to letting go was causing me to spiral even further. As difficult as it was for me to do, I released the responsibility that I felt and sent good energy their way. As soon as the lesson being shown to me was learned, the medicine released me.

The release was like being instantly woken from a dream and remembering all the details while seeing them slowly begin to fade. The only difference being, you know that it wasn’t a dream. This experience was unmistakably real. What had just taken place was as real as the next moment in which I was excitedly waking my wife, because she somehow slept through all that. I’d never felt so clear and energized! As I began recounting it all I thought about Michael and Terri, and I wondered how they were doing. I felt the briefest rise of uncertainty and fear try to resurface and dampen my excitement. I pushed it away. 

Not today Satan!

But I was also genuinely curious as to how their experience had gone. I sent Michael a text message letting them know that I had just finished up with my journey and I hoped that their journey was everything that they’d hoped it would be. After I sent the message, I let it go completely, and so I was startled a few seconds later when I received a text from Terri on Michael’s phone telling me that their experiences had been great, and that Michael said that he’d seen the walls breathing! 

 That was all the invitation I needed to call them right away!

We talked for over an hour, enthusiastically sharing our experiences and marveling at the infinite intelligence of the universe. 

Michael admitted that he had never beleived in anything spiritual or magical but that he had just had the most magical and spiritual experience of his entire life. He’d had no idea any of this was possible. I was so relieved to hear this and listened intensely as they recounted what had taken place after we’d spoken earlier that day.

Prior to taking the medicine, Terri had led them both in a meditation and prayer that she had prepared for the occasion. Her prayer had invited healing energies and loving light into their experience. She had stones and crystals that they held and surrounded themselves with. I chuckled because had I known that Terri was already the crystal carrying-type, I wouldn’t have been so worried. I wondered how different my journey would have then been. 

After I’d told Michael on the phone about a second dose, Terri had decided not to do it, she said she couldn’t get over the awful taste from the first serving. I then told her, she could’ve held her nose, and how that’s what I typically did. We laughed at that simple solution. Right after she’d decided not to take the second dose, the medicine started to work. Since this was not her first time working with energies, she said that initially she’d been taken aback because she was unfamiliar with the energy of this spirit. She explained that all spirits have energy and once she felt it, saw it or understood it, she was good and proceeded. Her intention had been to find out if she was on the path that she was supposed to be on. She received that answer and she promptly exited the journey. After listening to her talk I was in awe and had this newfound respect for Terri. I had no idea that she was an energy-worker, and of course Michael had never thought much of these things enough to share that with me.

Michael then shared his experience. He described Ayahuasca as having feminie energy. It is common when people talk about the spirit of Ayahuasca to see the energy as feminine and grandmotherly. The energy is also described as healing and loving. To hear Michael talk about this energy the way that he did was so beautiful. He said she took his hand and guided him as she showed him that he needed to appreciate what was right in front of him. She addressed and removed beliefs that were no longer serving him, block by block, each time lightening his load. “She showed me everything I needed to know.” 

The respect in his voice was humbling. He remembered that at one point he opened his eyes and he could see that everything around him was alive. The walls were breathing, the lamp next to him was also breathing. For a split second he admitted to being scared, but she assured him. “She was just flexing for me, to show me her power,” he said. We laughed at his choice of words, knowing and understanding that the power of what we’d just experienced was unquantifiable so just about any words he chose would have to do.